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What role do friendships play in a good life? Explore what makes friendships thrive, surprising research on the connections that matter, and how embracing different kinds of connection can help us cultivate a richer, more balanced life.
I’m Mindy Peterson and this is Lagom Life, your weekly dose of equilibrium.
When we think about what makes for a good life, we might think about health. Financial security. Meaningful work. Time for the things we enjoy. But did you know that our friendships are one of our most important pillars in a good life? Modern research continues to validate ancient philosophers’ assertion that strong social bonds are one of the most meaningful contributors to happiness and health.
And while lifelong friends can be golden, there are certainly friendships that will shift as seasons of life change: People move away; get married or divorced; expectations and values may change; freedom with time or finances may not align. Sometimes a friendship was meant only for a finite season of our lives. Sometimes the friendship endures, but changes in nature, like a long-time casual acquaintance becoming a deeper confidant (or vice versa).
I am an avid reader, and there is one book that was written 10 years ago, but remains my all-time favorite book on the topic of friendship. It’s called Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, by Shasta Nelson. And most of today’s tips come from this book.
1. This first tip is not unique to this book, but I wholeheartedly believe that no one person – friend or spouse – should have the sole burden of meeting all of our needs.
While most of us would probably agree with that statement, we may still unconsciously be looking in friendships for a “best friend” – the “perfect 10 friend” who understands everything about us, shares all our interests, always knows what we need, and is available whenever we need them.
Instead of putting this kind of pressure on a relationship, Nelson suggests thinking about our friendships as existing at different levels of what she calls frientimacy (a play on intimacy). Rather than looking for only the perfect well-rounded friend(s), the goal is to have a well-rounded group of friends whom and from whom we can benefit in different ways. We can then grow each of those friendships as appropriate for the season and stage we’re in – and appreciate what we have with each one.
Related to this tip is Gallup research by Tom Rath identifying eight roles that friends can play in each other’s lives. Think about which friends fill which roles – and which roles YOU fill – and consider how this may impact your expectations of the friendships in your life. Here are the eight roles:
- The Builder: Motivates you, pushes you toward goals, and helps you grow.
- The Champion: Supports, praises, and advocates for you.
- The Collaborator: Shares similar interests, hobbies, and working projects.
- The Companion: Always there for you.
- The Connector: Introduces you to new people, networks, and resources.
- The Energizer: Brings the fun and positivity; they’re the mood-booster.
- The Mind Opener: Expands your horizons and challenges your thinking with fresh ideas.
- The Navigator: Offers wise guidance for decisions and during tough times.
2. The next two tips are some things that surprised me in Frientimacy! One is that in the majority of friendships both parties feel they give more than the other. This is called Responsibility Bias, and it’s the tendency to overestimate our own contributions. It looks like this: If I tend to be the one who invites my friend over for dinner, I may feel that I give more if that friend rarely returns the dinner invitation. But that friend may be the one who buys my kids birthday gifts, dog-sits when I’m out of town, or always remembers the anniversary of my mother’s death.
The problem isn’t necessarily that the friendship is unbalanced. The problem may be that I’m measuring the wrong things.
Nelson’s solution is beautifully simple: Look for what your friends give. Increase your awareness of it. Appreciate each gift.
And this connects to another concept from Robert Putnam (in Bowling Alone) called generalized reciprocity.
It’s the idea that we can give something to one person without expecting that person will give something back to us – instead, we trust that generosity will eventually make its way around, whether from that person or someone else.
Instead of: “I did this for you, so now it’s your turn.”
It’s: “I contribute what I can, and trust that generosity is part of how healthy relationships work.”
3. Tip number 3, and a second thing that surprised me in Nelson’s book, is that research shows we’re not always the best predictors of who we’ll end up bonding with. We have far greater capacity than we think to connect with different people – even those who aren’t exactly who we think we’re looking for.
Nelson points out that “Friendship is not how much we think we like the people we’ve met; friendship is how much of a pattern two people have in practicing the positive behaviors of friendship.” And that takes time.
I know I’ve experienced that. I can think of friends who I met simply because they were built into my schedule through a job or our kids’ shared activities. Some of them struck me as “kindred spirits” right off the bat… and some didn’t. Some of both have ended up becoming some of my dearest friends with relationships that have lasted decades. In fact, one of those friendships blossomed into love, and my husband and I just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary!
But as I mentioned, this takes time. In our busy, efficiency-oriented culture: Friendship isn’t efficient. We can’t put friendship in a productivity system and optimize it.
We have to show up. We have to talk. We have to listen. We have to remember. Invite. Make time. And sometimes we have to keep showing up before we even know whether a friendship is going to become important.
Rather than searching for someone who I hit it off with right away, I am better off focusing on developing friendship, on repeatedly practicing the behaviors of friendship. Instead of thinking, “I don’t want to waste my time on someone who isn’t best friend material,” realize that we’re NOT always great predictors of who we’ll hit it off with… and we don’t need ONLY super close friends. The real magic happens in the development of friendship and no connection is a waste of time.
Even if someone doesn’t eventually become part of your inner circle, that doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t valuable. Every connection has the potential to teach us something, expand our world, bring us joy, or simply make one small part of life better.
4. There’s one more idea about friendship that I don’t want to overlook. The final tip is: Beware of the danger of waiting.
Bronnie Ware is a palliative care nurse who spent years caring for people in the final weeks of their lives. She wrote about the five regrets she heard most often. One of those was: “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
That’s sobering. Because friendship is one of those things that’s easy to assume will always be there. We’ll call eventually. We’ll get together when things slow down. We’ll reconnect after this busy season.
But seasons change. People move. Families grow. Jobs change. And sometimes “someday” quietly becomes an end-of-life regret.
So perhaps a lagom approach to friendship is about being intentional with the friendships we have. It’s noticing what different people bring into our lives, appreciating those gifts, and letting go of the expectation that any one person should meet all our needs.
It’s also recognizing that friendships change. Some deepen. Some become more casual. Some belong to a particular season of life. And some surprise us by becoming far more important than we ever expected.
And because friendship isn’t efficient – it’s built slowly, through repeated moments of showing up – it requires something our culture doesn’t always encourage us to give: time. Time to show up. Time to listen. Time to share a meal, take a walk, send a text, make a phone call. Time to keep showing up long enough for a relationship to become something more.
Ask yourself: Who are the people who make my life better – and am I making enough room for them?
Who makes you laugh? Who challenges you? Who cheers you on? Who expands your world? Who would show up when you really needed them? And who haven’t you talked to in far too long?
Maybe there’s a text you could send today. Maybe there’s a coffee you could schedule. Maybe there’s a friendship that could use a little tending.
Because a well-lived life doesn’t have to be bigger, busier, or more full. Sometimes living well means recognizing what already makes life rich – and giving it enough of our time and attention to let it flourish.
That’s a little of what lagom can look like in friendship: not more relationships for the sake of having more, but the right amount of connection, nurtured in the right ways, for the season of life we’re in.
We don’t have to find – or be – the perfect friends; we just have to nurture those relationships that help make life better.
Thank you for joining me on this exploration of living well, with just the right amount for the season of life you are in. To see future episodes, be sure to “Follow” the show in your listening app. You can always connect with me on email (mindy@mpetersonmusic.com), Facebook, Instagram, X, or LinkedIn. Until next time, here’s to more moments of just-right.
In-Episode Promo
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