Photo by Lacie Cueto on Unsplash
Is “good stress” an oxymoron? Learning to recognize beneficial stress – and maybe even appreciate it – can reduce our overall stress load and contribute to a sense of life balance.
I’m Mindy Peterson and this is Lagom Life, your weekly dose of equilibrium.
Stress comes from all kinds of sources: Financial stress. Never-enough-time stress. Worry about our kids. Medical challenges or caregiving. Difficult people in our lives. Work and school pressures.
And when we talk about stress, we typically assume it’s negative and needs to be reduced. Stress is bad for us. It makes us sick. And certainly, chronic, overwhelming stress is a serious problem.
But is all stress bad? Or is some stress actually part of a good life?
Have you ever known someone who retires or quits a job, giddy to leave the stress behind… and after an initial euphoria wears off, they are surprised to feel unhappy and unmoored; purposeless.
Have you ever been desperate for a vacation of sitting on the beach doing nothing, only to arrive at Day 3 feeling bored and restless?
Perhaps more common is a general sense of hamster-wheel, daily-grind-of-adulting stress, with an underlying sense of resentment toward the demands placed on us.
In the US for sure, we Americans tend to view stress as a negative – and simultaneously take great pride in our stress! Our complaints are thinly veiled bragging about how busy we are and all we have on our plate; it seems to inflate our value.
What role does the stress we love to hate actually play in a good life? Is there a “just right” amount of stress and discomfort? And if we could recognize that stress as beneficial – maybe even appreciate it – would that very awareness reduce our overall stress load and contribute to a sense of life balance?
The right level of stress has become known as eustress; it’s beneficial and motivating. And there’s a related concept called hormesis: the idea that a manageable stressor can trigger adaptive responses that make us more resilient.
Exercise is a great example. If you never challenge your muscles, they shrink and atrophy. But when you ask your body to do something difficult – something just beyond what it’s accustomed to, or maybe even capable of – it responds. And then you recover. Over time, you become stronger.
So how can we reframe stress and find our Goldilocks zone, given our current season of life and factors outside our control? Instead of trying to eliminate stress, how can we develop the capacity to navigate it – and even appreciate it? Because our sources of stress can also be sources of personal growth, greater health, and deeper meaning in life. As William James famously put it, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”
One thought that has stuck with me ever since I read it is by Susan David, who said “[Y]ou have dead people’s goals. Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.”
- One thing I like to think about in reframing stress is that pleasure depends on contrast. Let me give you some examples. When my husband and I were starting a family, like most young people, we were not flush with cash! Most of our money went toward our home; living as debt-free as possible; and saving for our kids’ college educations and our own retirement. This meant that we did NOT spend money on much else, including eating out or “fun” purchases we didn’t absolutely need. Now that our kids are grown and we have greater financial comfort, I get disproportionate pleasure from treats like a massage, eating out when we want to, or a fun purchase that I don’t absolutely need. I know what it’s like to not have that freedom, and I don’t take it for granted. The financial stress during a period of my life led to greater pleasure and joy for decades to come.
Another example: I am NOT a morning person, and my greatest weekend indulgence is sleeping in and having a slow morning. But if every morning were a slow morning, would it still feel glorious? Absolutely not – I know I would feel lethargic, bored, and that “I really need to get a life.” When I’m tempted to feel irritable when that alarm goes off on the weekday morning, I try to remind myself, “This is what will make sleeping in so luxurious on Saturday!” - Another concept I find helpful is what author Liz Tran calls AQ, or agility quotient: “the ability to handle change, uncertainty, and the unknown.” While you’ve probably heard of IQ and EQ, Tran argues that in today’s constantly changing world, AQ is the most important factor in success. And studies do show that it’s not the strongest species that survives the longest – it’s the one that is the most adaptable.
When stressors pop up, Tran suggests replacing your frustration with a reminder of progress by saying four words: “I’m growing my AQ.” Your plane was delayed. Your kids got sick. You didn’t get the job. “I’m growing my AQ.”
Because disruption is inevitable. Plans will change. People will disappoint us. Our bodies will change. Jobs end. New opportunities appear. Things we thought would make us happy don’t. Things we never expected (or wanted!) may bring us enormous joy. While the discomfort isn’t optional, you can use it to your advantage to increase your adaptability and resilience. - A final concept that I’ve found helpful is a tip from Ethan Kross’ book, Chatter, where he explains that reframing stressors as challenges rather than threats actually changes our physiological experience. While a threat state constricts our blood flow (which can lead to heart attacks), challenge mode causes your vasculature to relax, allowing blood to move easily throughout your body.
When I’m feeling the discomfort of stress, I try to remember to think of the situation as a challenge, not a stressor or threat.
I’m not suggesting that overwhelming or chronic stress is something we should simply learn to tolerate. But we can recognize when discomfort is simply evidence that we’re stretching. We can be on a quest for that sweet spot – a place where we’re challenged enough to grow, adapt, and thrive – but not so overwhelmed that we break.
Not too much.
Not too little.
Just right.
I’ll put links in the show notes to Liz Tran’s book, AQ; and another of my favorite books on this topic: Good Stress, by Jeff Krasno.
Thank you for joining me on this exploration of living well, with just the right amount for the season of life you are in. To see future episodes, be sure to Follow the show in your listening app. You can always connect with me on email (mindy@mpetersonmusic.com), Facebook, Instagram, X, or LinkedIn. Until next time, here’s to more moments of just-right.
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